11302017_0128

Wake up to the sound of raised voices
He's in the kitchen and so are both the kids
They are arguing about gender
He thinks that transgender folks are mentally ill
He thinks that they are poisoning themselves by taking hormone
He thinks that our daughters boyfriend, now Leo was Sofia is wrong
He thinks that Leo's parents are wrong for supporting his decision to transition
He will not back down or agree to disagree
He just gets louder and in her face about it
He wants to provoke a response from her
He wants to provoke a response from me
After 20 minutes of yelling he gets his wish
I get out of bed and try to find out what is happening
I try to break up the fight
I try to get him to stop screaming
I try to get her to not scream
I grab the back of his neck and pull him back
I touched him because he was in her face with fists balled up screaming his opinion
Screaming how she's wrong, just fucking screaming
and then it turns to me
How I work a shit job (that pays all our bills since he hasn't worked in a decade)
How I am fat and ugly and worthless
How I am a liar and a thief
How he wants to hurt someone who I haven't seen in close to a decade,
How he wants to tell my boss how worthless I am
How he wants me to delete the recordings from my phone of his behavior
How he will sell everything I have or destroy it out right with an axe so I won't have anything left when I come home  from work
How he doesn't care about the neighbors
How he doesn't care if he sits in jail for the rest of his life
How I mean nothing to him because I am worthless and stupid and nothing without him
How he's going to kill the dog
How he's going to hurt me with his knife drawn at the side of the bed in the dark
How if I want him gone I should file for divorce
How I will be in jail before he's done with me
And I know not to speak to him
And I know he will throw his phone and his keys at me
And I know he will leave for a little while and return to ring the doorbell in the middle of the night
And I know he will be relentless and talk about the stupid lawsuit that he is never going to files
And I know he will tell me how I didn't help at all
And I know in the morning he will be remoseful
And I know int he morning I will be exhausted and resentful and bitter and angry with myself
And it's only Thursday morning and I don't have anywhere to go
And I don't have any friends I can call and I don't have anything
and he was awful when I got up.