11302017_0128

Wake up to the sound of raised voices
He's in the kitchen and so are both the kids
They are arguing about gender
He thinks that transgender folks are mentally ill
He thinks that they are poisoning themselves by taking hormone
He thinks that our daughters boyfriend, now Leo was Sofia is wrong
He thinks that Leo's parents are wrong for supporting his decision to transition
He will not back down or agree to disagree
He just gets louder and in her face about it
He wants to provoke a response from her
He wants to provoke a response from me
After 20 minutes of yelling he gets his wish
I get out of bed and try to find out what is happening
I try to break up the fight
I try to get him to stop screaming
I try to get her to not scream
I grab the back of his neck and pull him back
I touched him because he was in her face with fists balled up screaming his opinion
Screaming how she's wrong, just fucking screaming
and then it turns to me
How I work a shit job (that pays all our bills since he hasn't worked in a decade)
How I am fat and ugly and worthless
How I am a liar and a thief
How he wants to hurt someone who I haven't seen in close to a decade,
How he wants to tell my boss how worthless I am
How he wants me to delete the recordings from my phone of his behavior
How he will sell everything I have or destroy it out right with an axe so I won't have anything left when I come home  from work
How he doesn't care about the neighbors
How he doesn't care if he sits in jail for the rest of his life
How I mean nothing to him because I am worthless and stupid and nothing without him
How he's going to kill the dog
How he's going to hurt me with his knife drawn at the side of the bed in the dark
How if I want him gone I should file for divorce
How I will be in jail before he's done with me
And I know not to speak to him
And I know he will throw his phone and his keys at me
And I know he will leave for a little while and return to ring the doorbell in the middle of the night
And I know he will be relentless and talk about the stupid lawsuit that he is never going to files
And I know he will tell me how I didn't help at all
And I know in the morning he will be remoseful
And I know int he morning I will be exhausted and resentful and bitter and angry with myself
And it's only Thursday morning and I don't have anywhere to go
And I don't have any friends I can call and I don't have anything
and he was awful when I got up.

08062017_2355

Quiet now.

He kept 'screaming at the boy
To get him to watch Aliens
I was tired
He was throwing  random shit at the boy
Until the boy was crying.
He again told me I was worthless
That I had no value
That I earned nothing
I took off my glasses so he couldn't bend the frames
Like he did to the last 3 pairs
He was screaming
Spittle coming off his angry irrational lips
He threw a chair at me when I walked away from it.

08062017_2023

I don't want sex with someone who belittles me and tells me he can cave my skull in if he wanted to.
And that makes me a bitch.

07122017_2201 Pyrat

Drunk again
He wants to be sure I know
How worthless I am. 
He wants to remind me of all he can destroy
He wants to remind me how fat I am
He wants to remind me how he could end me
He wants to remind me how much power he has
I told him I prayed everyday he would die from alcohol poisoning
Or from being stabbed in a bar when he's drunk and pushing strangers around

06252017_0309

He picked a fight with Saffron after I pushed him away.
Drunk again
Picking fights about her lover
Attacks me about my weight
Threatens my job
Assaults us with his demeanor
Provokes us
We strike out in self defense.
He tries to wound us
With his words
Make us insecure
Argue well past reason
911 was called from his phone
He will never stop
Never
I can't  leave him and stay in Chicago
He will never leave me alone

03302017_0049

I misplaced the ticket for the parking garage tonight.  That's what triggered the attack tonight.  It's just words, threats to discredit me with my employer, threats to destroy my things, intimidation by coming into my room repeatedly after I've said I was going to bed to be sure I know what a fraud I am, how fat I am, how much a failure I am for not having a better job or salary, how much a failure I am for my son's autism, and my daughter's desire to go to art school makes me a failure. How my past indescretions sexually when he had no time or attention for me will be brought up constantly, no matter how much time passes. 

01172016_0455

He drinks and thinks I don't know
But he's a bully when he's drunk.
I can't stop him
I can't run away
He threatens to expose me
He threatens to tell my boss lies
He threatens to ruin me
That I will lose my kids
That I will go to jail
I wish he would send me to jail
Then there would be an end to it
Now everyday is without hope
The bed is still covered in graham cracker crumbs
He beat the Keebler crust on the corner of the bed
I refused to do whatever it was he wanted right at that moment
Right at that moment
It doesn't matter
I will never be good enough for him
I will never be free of him