07DEC23_ 2342 Fatigue

My body aches and i'm weaving in the bed
He keeps pacing and engaging me
and I'm really to sleepy
and I don't mean to be disrespectful
i'm just beat and slipping into unconciousness

07DEC09 Skin

it is 2 in the AM
and my skin tingles with the dry air
and i'm awake and the kids are asleep
and I want to scratch my skin off
i've tried to sleep and it is too hot
and the bed was messy
so I fixed the blankets,
and i still feel the tingles,
the nerve endings begging to be assaulted
the hot dry skin on my neck,
the way my hair touches my shoulder
the way the tingle under my arm makes me want to scratch

07DEC05 The snow

it fell last night and it covered the yard and my spirits
it's hard to get motivated to do anything when
the next appointment you have is next week
and the next thing you must do is
a chore and everyone looks to you for their happiness
and looks to you to dothings their way
and you are tired of this responsibility and they scream
and they rage and they discount your concerns
'and your rage and they shout you down and they ttell you to leave and it would be so easy
to go, it would be so easy to go
I am trying to move forward
I am trying to be better
I am trying to change
he is suspicious
he is angry
he is unwilling to change
I want to tell him I am beautiful
I want to tell him I am inteligent
I want to tell him I am leaving
I want to tell him he's an ass
then he does something
and the anger and resentment fades and I remember how he was once
how I want him to be again
but our dreams, the ones we shared
they are a long memory and we both feel trapped
and we both resent
and I won't stay like this I won't

07DEC04 It's not about whether you like it

it's about you being bad.
husky boy in the wrangler jeans
that what he said when I told him
I liked a stocky boy, you know, I said, "Sturdy"

07DEC03 Birthday

It was a quiet day,
we all were sleeping late
the dark comfort of the
heavy window dressings,
Blocking the cold
and the light
not enough light to wake us
enough to make us think it
is much earlier than it really is
and we drowse thru another day
seeking Connections thru the computer
knowledge and the laundry lays undone
and you're angry and I'm depressed
and neither one of us can turn back the clock
not today, if we try hard, if we want it,
But today is her birthday and she is 9
and she is getting smarter than us,
and she said "stop being cruel"
and you were taken aback.
Her Birthday, and i'm over the theme
and I don't know who i'd invite to a party for you
and I can't think how I'd pay for it
I don't want it to be just a day
but that's all it is just another day in paradise
we've got kung fu and the boy won't put his pants on
and she settles for her plain cake with candles
and I make a video of us singing happy birthday to you
in the dark with the candles lighting your face
and the end is dark.
and i wonder will she forgive me when she's older

07DEC01 Losing data

My laptop stopped working
it was pretty grim
I've lost all my recent writings once again
well, it will be better next time
when I write the stories again

Or not, but the words
they come in spite of this loss

07NOV21 Email Omen

These are the subjects I scanned when I read my email list

Can you spot a Manic Episode?
Roofcrash
roofcrash
Wild Rice, Dried Cranberry and walnut stuffing
sneak peak at...
pop go for less
wide range for less
The consequences of unconfessed sin

07NOV20 Every Poem Should Have

a feeling
a sense of who wrote it
abstraction
concreteness
a poem should inspire
a poem should capture
a poem should reveal
it should make one reflect or not
it should have honesty or lies

Maybe every poem needs a rhyme, maybe not
Poetry is catharthis
Poetry is revelation

07NOV16 Doomed

It started yesterday when I bought my dinner
I ordered chicken they gave me fish
The second time it happened, fish not chicken
arghh go out to car to drive to get chicken
and it won't start, and it takes forever
and I act like an ass

today car won't start
barely at kung fu on time
quick trip to the grocery,
they raised the price of the pizza another $1
Ok I can live with that it's still cheaper than Pizza Hut
The cashier is slow and the line finally brings me to the front
the Bill totals $33 not my anticipated $24
when I point it out to the cashier
she says she didn't over charge me,
I show her two pizza, three sodas
the reciept reads three pizzas four sodas,
she still says she didn't over charge me
I wind up in line at customer service making
and ass of myself in front of oscar AGAIN
He's cool he always fixes my problems,

I should not leave the house till the cloud disappates

Reflecting Light & Moving Shadows

I see it and I tell anyone near that the light
the light at this time of day
this light is my favorite light
it is rich and warm on the surfaces
facing the golden light
it is this light that gives
urban city two story brickfaced
commercial block  big glass windows
full and warm with this light, 
the dirt and grime seem to fade
away in the clarity of the light and
I am on the opposite side of the street
the brilliance of this glowing touch
yet I am in shadow,  the sun dropping
slowly down the horizon and I see
hope before the cold shadows of the night
creep in and return the scene to dull

071109_1325 Soul Train

My children are sleeping on the couch
In their room, what peace reigns in this moment
then the train, rolls across the screen
and Soul Train classic rolls along
on wgn on a cold Saturday afternoon
thru my children's subconcious
and the Fro's and the Bell's Boogie
Ooogie Oooogie across the screen
My husband and I get down
All the while the kids dream of forever

071024_2330 Extra stupid place # 3452

Extra stupid place
your glasses can be placed
Far left corner of the bathtub
Hidden under the open and
bunched shower curtain
Leaving you blind and searching for
Eight hours

071023_1009 How he made me feel

Through the door I said
Please look at me,
I'm leaving, but he
He was reading trivia
And didn't have time
To tell me if I looked bad.
How come I am so
Unimportant to him
Why doesn't he look
When I ask?

071022_1113 Hair on the crowded bus

The texture of the hair around me,
Sharp straight thin i can see the mole under his light grey hair
Thick and chunky weighted by gel and a longer sideburn,
Short curly on top but straight sideburns on a girl with no earrings,
Black ponytail with several girly curlz and a bandeau,
Straight Asian page boy with black square sunglasses on an overcast day,
Blond curly shoulder length and dark eyebrows.

Bacon Bacon Bacon

I can't stand it. When there are four bacon loving people and 8 slices of bacon to spread between us (2 each), why does everyone look at the bacon on my plate with such jealousy as I slowly eat my pancakes, what lust is there? I see them creeping reaching for it. It's my bacon, I take the worst of it, the burnt pancakes, the small slices of bacon, the egg that always seems to go over harder than any egg ever has. why do you have to reach for my sliver of bacon, the salty overcooked soaked in maple syrup piece lying on my plate, my dessert if you will from pancakes and overdone eggs and you try to steal it.

071011_1600 Posting Flyers along the Mag Mile

The wind is cruel and cold
Like it doesn't want me there
I'd forgotten my jacket and
The wind is working through
the Light shirt I'm wearing
tearing at the flyers in my hands
cold and determined
I make my way south
Posting on poles from scaffolding,
no parking signs, traffic signals
wondering if this will make a difference.

070922_0130 Dessert Nachos?

I bought the marshmallows to make a dessert pizza
You claim that you don't want sugary sweetness
and the snacks that overload your senses,
and then you bring me this indulgence,
the girl and the boy have been after me over
the unused bag of chocolate chips in the kitchen
and I kept say when we make the dessert pizza,
and kept the bag closed thusly
Insomnia and Insanity keep me working late
and you bring me "dessert nachos"
The Graham Crackers broken into the natural rectangles
Chocolate chips and marshmallows melted
Forty seconds in the Microwave you declare
as this temptation is set before me,
and the indulgence begins to stain my hands
and lips with a deep brown chocolate.

070815_1326 Waiting for the bus

I'm just on my own today
Time has gotten away from me
And I'm waiting on the bus
First I waited on the wrong corner
and two flew past,
Now I'm on the right corner,
But no buses.

070815_1130 Park by the water tower

I've seen them marching by in trios
Little girls and their mothers
the American Girl Dolls stiff in their arms,
and the way their mothers stop
point at the red canopy and they scurry toward it.

The return trip with the red shopping bag
and the happy faces,
some of the girls are dressed like their dolls.
The mothers often look less cheerful
than when they crossed the plaza on the way there.

070808_1752 Starbucks

My ice melting in the cup
The sugary creamy remains
of my latte sips
slowly up the straw
I watch him
The upturned table on the patio
filled with water from the rain
and he licks his fingers
and he sticks his face in the water
and drinks.
Oh to be be 4 again
Oh to know I
I am not alone
and she sees him finally
and I walk away knowing
I am
I am not alone

070807_0124 Rain and Spiders

So Hot and the rain is falling and I step outside
The air is thick
And the rain feels hot
and it's 1 o'clock in the morning
and I see you there in your web,
hanging in spite of the wind
and rain droplets glistening....

070802_0640 Choir

Their voice high and crisp singing
then just as the second verse
should begin, the silence
and the quiet.

070726_1325 Happy Birthday to you

I'm hot and the ac is only blowing hot air
And you're in the other room with the
cold ac and when I come near you're
full of work for me in the hot rooms
away from the good ac
and it's you birthday
and I don't have a gift
and I don't have a cake
and I feel so guilty
I don't want to bake
I don't want to shop
I don't want to sing
I want to lie down
in front of the ac

070704_2115 Rocks along Sheridan Rd Between Evanston and Chicago

We sat on the blankets
Buzz Lightyear cozy and baby quilt
Norman in the V of Saffron's legs
Saffron in the V of my legs,
and me in the V of your legs
and maybe it wasn't perfect
But it was real
we were there and it felt nice
while the illusion lasted and the
fireworks exploded in the night sky.

070629_0520

His curls gone,
i watched him
sitting on the floor emulating the other boy,
and me wanting to turn
walk away, but he's there
in the doorway with his baby bouncing
trying to watch his son practice,
And we hens clucked and clucked.

070628_0745

it occurred to me
as I twirled into the kitchen
my life would feel
somewhat less
dramatic
If i just stopped
listening to
opera.

070625_1430 Slipping

The mail was

Silent

Slipped thru the slot

Lying on the floor

As I peeked out

Hopeful, Anxious

Could it really be there?

The rubber band

Bowing the tiny pair of envelopes

070624_0945

The dissonance of operetta,
Silenced.
And the songs of the birds
and a quiet moment before breakfast
and the noisy city sounds.

070624_1209

Snoring from his office,
kids still laughing and playing about
me wanting to talk to someone
going to sleep silent and alone

070623_1145 on the porch

He smelled of earl grey tea

and the sky overcast

the light even

and warm

humid and cooler

and we laughed

about nothing in particular.